Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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