Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
