yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
