I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
