how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
