thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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