Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
