I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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