I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
