also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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