Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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