If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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