I hate all girls vehemently.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
