I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
