my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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