Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
