I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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