he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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