I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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