Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
