Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
