my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
