What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
