At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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