You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
