Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
