Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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