so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My penis needs a shock collar
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
