Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
