dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The Olympian is in my bed
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
