I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
