i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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