i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
