if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
