god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
