What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
