I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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