Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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