I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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