i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
