I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
