you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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