Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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