If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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