Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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