can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
