Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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