I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
