After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
