i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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